PPP may have lost the game, but Betas will win the war
It’s been over a year since the last post on everyone’s favorite University of Washington flag football team Team Mega Human, and a lot has changed. This year’s team has a new name, some fresh faces, but was able to retain fan favorite Adam Garrison. Plaxico’s Parole Patrol (PPP) came out and took the Cascade division by storm. Although it lost its first regular season game to the defending champions, they would win out to reach the league championship, facing Sigma Epsilon under the lights of Husky Stadium.
It was a bone chilling night in the Pacific Northwest as the game kicked off. It was the type of weather only a few White Russians could make bearable, heck, even enjoyable. Sig Eps was able to score on its first position, taking a 7-0 lead. But out came the vaunted PPP offense, led by the impeccable Rob Muaesnner. Rob came out and threw a touchdown pass to JaMarcus Flynn, to bring the score to 7-6.
Regular TMH readers may be unfamiliar with JaMarcus, but he has been a staple for PPP this season, coming through with key places in crucial situations. With the speed of a cheetah and the smile of Vanna White, he is a true champion in the purest sense. I’ll take a vowel from JaMarcus any day.
Anyhow (sorry, that last paragraph has White Russian written all over it), PPP kicked off to Sig Eps. The Sigs drove the length of the field, making a few big plays along the way despite the relentless pass rush of Robbie Stotler and Mike Mayer. Mike, if you recall, has a twin brother who also plays on the team. But the Sigs were able to put the ball in the end zone, completing a touchdown pass to some no-name douche bag, bringing the score to 14-6 at the half.
After the break, PPP came out looking to regain the lead. Bob came out tossing the rock around to his receivers, having plenty of time due to his stout offensive line. Anchored by center Adam Garrison, and flanked by his counterparts Kyle Thomas and Drew Wate, these big boys were able to give Mauessar valuable time.
The drive culminated with a Meussner touchdown run, reminiscent of Marques Tuiasosopo, bringing the score to 14-12. PPP failed to convert a critical 2 point conversion, placing even greater pressure upon the PPP defense. The Sigs took the initiative on the next drive, and made a few big plays to get into the red zone. But PPP’s stellar secondary would step up. Whitney, Thomas, Flynn and Mike’s twin came to play, playing lockdown D on all those Sig d-bags. Whitney would come away with the clutch pick, setting up the final drive.
The crowd came alive as PPP was set to drive with 4:30 left in regulation. All Caitlin Caldwell could do at that point was watch from the sidelines as her man commanded his troops. Flynn brought in a huge reception, tip toeing his way down the sidelines. Whitney, known for late minute heroics, made a spectacular catch near the goal line, setting up a first down situation for PPP. After an incomplete pass, Meusser decided to take it in himself. He made a dive for the end zone and crossed the plain.
At this point, the referees made the worse call in Husky Stadium since the BYU game. Apparently there is a role against diving, which is stupid as shit, and the ball was moved back. The final score came to be 14-12.
Although PPP may have lost the game, the boys were able to leave Husky Stadium with their heads held high. They fought hard, and if the refs hadn’t fist fucked them, they would be champions right now. What the hell, let’s have a few more White Russians regardless. Now on to the fun stuff, with a few new additions:
Game Ball:
This is a tough call. I’m tempted to give a game ball to the whole team, but this seems too cliché. I’ll give this one to Whitney, because he had some huge catches and the key interception.
Quote of the Game:
“That’s money”- Rando Stotler, multiple times throughout the game.
Tim Floyd Belligerent Moments of the Game (no context required):
“He reminds me of Matt Stafford with that quick release.”
“Ask the guy with the Giants beanie on, he looks like a real douche bag.”
“We’ll give you tap dancing lessons if you want”
Injuries:
-Robbie Stotlier, DL: Dislocated his finger, not money
-Tony Blackburn, K: Suffered a severe goose, doctors believe it may have been self-inflicted, should be out 2-3 weeks
Cig Teeth Corner (sponsored by Grizzly Wintergreen):
Thanks Adam! First let me say that while I was indeed present for the entirety of the match, I only saw a handful of plays. But hey, can you really blame me when a certain special lady is tossing those succulent curls in front of my face. MEEEOOWWW! And really, even if I was focusing on the game, the mixture of Adderoll, dip, and six hours of sleep in the past three days was causing some pretty outrageous hallucinations. I’m pretty sure I saw Betsy returning a couple of punts during the game. In any case, I will do my best to describe what Eucker has already stated so eloquently.
My Betas were robbed tonight. And when you have gone through three macbooks in a matter of two years, you start learning a thing or two about robbery. Don’t get me started on that final drive. Big Bob Meussner crossed the plane. The female official, dressed in a style reminiscent of Roseanne Barr and Rosie O’Donnell, threw her stems in the air signaling the touchdown. And yet, the Sig Eps walked back to our corner of the Greek system with an unwarranted sense of purpose dreaming about the next time they get to host a Bi Ad with us. After the conclusion of the game, I stood under the bleachers sharing a Camel Light with Rick Whitney and asked him if his son, Alex, had made him proud tonight. He stared at me blankly for a moment and responded, “Listen, some kid told me that I could score some Ritalin off you. Can I get the hell out of here?” And with that, Mr. Whitney really summed up what tonight’s game should mean to us, Betas. Often in our darkest moments we need that little bit of energy to keep us moving and fighting on no matter how society has wronged us. Whether this salvation is found in a pill or in the knowledge that we should have won the Championship matters not. You made us proud, boys. Fight on yee Betas! Cig Teeth OUT…
That’s all for now (and probably ever). I hope this was mildly entertaining. Remember, keep it mild, keep it fresh box.
Team Mega Human 
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