It was a bone chilling night in the Pacific Northwest as the game kicked off. It was the type of weather only a few White Russians could make bearable, heck, even enjoyable. Sig Eps was able to score on its first position, taking a 7-0 lead. But out came the vaunted PPP offense, led by the impeccable Rob Muaesnner. Rob came out and threw a touchdown pass to JaMarcus Flynn, to bring the score to 7-6.

Regular TMH readers may be unfamiliar with JaMarcus, but he has been a staple for PPP this season, coming through with key places in crucial situations. With the speed of a cheetah and the smile of Vanna White, he is a true champion in the purest sense. I’ll take a vowel from JaMarcus any day.

Anyhow (sorry, that last paragraph has White Russian written all over it), PPP kicked off to Sig Eps. The Sigs drove the length of the field, making a few big plays along the way despite the relentless pass rush of Robbie Stotler and Mike Mayer. Mike, if you recall, has a twin brother who also plays on the team. But the Sigs were able to put the ball in the end zone, completing a touchdown pass to some no-name douche bag, bringing the score to 14-6 at the half.

After the break, PPP came out looking to regain the lead. Bob came out tossing the rock around to his receivers, having plenty of time due to his stout offensive line. Anchored by center Adam Garrison, and flanked by his counterparts Kyle Thomas and Drew Wate, these big boys were able to give Mauessar valuable time.

The drive culminated with a Meussner touchdown run, reminiscent of Marques Tuiasosopo, bringing the score to 14-12. PPP failed to convert a critical 2 point conversion, placing even greater pressure upon the PPP defense. The Sigs took the initiative on the next drive, and made a few big plays to get into the red zone. But PPP’s stellar secondary would step up. Whitney, Thomas, Flynn and Mike’s twin came to play, playing lockdown D on all those Sig d-bags. Whitney would come away with the clutch pick, setting up the final drive.

The crowd came alive as PPP was set to drive with 4:30 left in regulation. All Caitlin Caldwell could do at that point was watch from the sidelines as her man commanded his troops. Flynn brought in a huge reception, tip toeing his way down the sidelines. Whitney, known for late minute heroics, made a spectacular catch near the goal line, setting up a first down situation for PPP. After an incomplete pass, Meusser decided to take it in himself. He made a dive for the end zone and crossed the plain.

At this point, the referees made the worse call in Husky Stadium since the BYU game. Apparently there is a role against diving, which is stupid as shit, and the ball was moved back. The final score came to be 14-12.

Although PPP may have lost the game, the boys were able to leave Husky Stadium with their heads held high. They fought hard, and if the refs hadn’t fist fucked them, they would be champions right now. What the hell, let’s have a few more White Russians regardless. Now on to the fun stuff, with a few new additions:

Game Ball:

This is a tough call. I’m tempted to give a game ball to the whole team, but this seems too cliché. I’ll give this one to Whitney, because he had some huge catches and the key interception.

Quote of the Game:

“That’s money”- Rando Stotler, multiple times throughout the game.

Tim Floyd Belligerent Moments of the Game (no context required):

“He reminds me of Matt Stafford with that quick release.”

“Ask the guy with the Giants beanie on, he looks like a real douche bag.”

“We’ll give you tap dancing lessons if you want”

Injuries:

-Robbie Stotlier, DL: Dislocated his finger, not money

-Tony Blackburn, K: Suffered a severe goose, doctors believe it may have been self-inflicted, should be out 2-3 weeks

Cig Teeth Corner (sponsored by Grizzly Wintergreen):

Thanks Adam! First let me say that while I was indeed present for the entirety of the match, I only saw a handful of plays. But hey, can you really blame me when a certain special lady is tossing those succulent curls in front of my face. MEEEOOWWW! And really, even if I was focusing on the game, the mixture of Adderoll, dip, and six hours of sleep in the past three days was causing some pretty outrageous hallucinations. I’m pretty sure I saw Betsy returning a couple of punts during the game. In any case, I will do my best to describe what Eucker has already stated so eloquently.

My Betas were robbed tonight. And when you have gone through three macbooks in a matter of two years, you start learning a thing or two about robbery. Don’t get me started on that final drive. Big Bob Meussner crossed the plane. The female official, dressed in a style reminiscent of Roseanne Barr and Rosie O’Donnell, threw her stems in the air signaling the touchdown. And yet, the Sig Eps walked back to our corner of the Greek system with an unwarranted sense of purpose dreaming about the next time they get to host a Bi Ad with us. After the conclusion of the game, I stood under the bleachers sharing a Camel Light with Rick Whitney and asked him if his son, Alex, had made him proud tonight. He stared at me blankly for a moment and responded, “Listen, some kid told me that I could score some Ritalin off you. Can I get the hell out of here?” And with that, Mr. Whitney really summed up what tonight’s game should mean to us, Betas. Often in our darkest moments we need that little bit of energy to keep us moving and fighting on no matter how society has wronged us. Whether this salvation is found in a pill or in the knowledge that we should have won the Championship matters not. You made us proud, boys. Fight on yee Betas! Cig Teeth OUT…

That’s all for now (and probably ever). I hope this was mildly entertaining. Remember, keep it mild, keep it fresh box.

The Seattle Saviors quarterback threw four interceptions during the game, with three picks being hauled in by Mega Human safety Rob Meussner. The other pick belonged to Drew Wate, Shane’s younger brother, who filled in for the injured linebacker and made an immediate impact.

The offense started the game off slow and was forced to punt on its first possession of the game. It was also the first punt of the season for TMH. On its next drive TMH moved the ball down the field, and quarterback Meussner ran the ball in for the score, giving the Mega Humans an early 7-0 lead.

The Seattle Saviors took the ball on the subsequent drive and reached the ten yard line. But the Mega Human defense put together a pivotal goal line stand, and forced the Saviors to turn the ball over on downs at the end of the first half.

In the second half, the Mega Humans started off with the football and sustained a long drive down the field. Meussner, who went 7 for 12 (58 percent) with two touchdowns and an interception, capped the drive off with a touch down pass to wide receiver Alex Whitney in the back of the end zone.

The Mega Humans scored another touchdown late, bringing the score to 20-0 and putting the game out of reach for the Saviors.

The Mega Humans will have to wait until Nov. 17 before they take the field again, time which will let them prepare for their next opponent.

“We’ll use this extra time to get healthy and rest up. We’re just focusing on one game at a time and are looking forward to the opportunity to perform on the field,” wide receiver and defensive back Kyle Thomas said after the game.

The Mega Humans will be given the opportunity to keep its season alive Monday, Nov. 17 at 3:30 p.m. on IMA field two.

Game Ball:

This week’s game ball goes to Meussner for the second week in a row, after having three interceptions and a solid performance on offense.

Quote of the Game:

“Boobie just wants to spin,” Meussner said after a flag guarding penalty in the second half. The quote is a reference to one of Rob’s favorite movies “Friday Night Lights”. Meussner is also a fan of the “National Treasure” movie series starring Nicholas Cage.

Injuries:

-Tony Blackburn, K: Suffered a season-ending toe injury after falling down the stairs early Sunday morning. Brian Mayer will assume all kicking duties for the remainder of the season.

That is all for now, please check back next week for more playoff results.

Alex Whitney makes an acrobatic catch in one of the Mega Human’s earlier games. Special thanks to Tristan “Fresh” Krause for the photo, even though it is out of focus.

        TMH started off quick, as its offense drove down the field twice and scored, giving them a 14-0 lead.  One score came on a 40-yard pass to wide receiver Kyle Thomas, which appeared to be a blown coverage by the Flamethrower pass defense.  On the next drive, Mega Human defensive end Mike Mayer sacked Flamethrower’s quarterback in the end zone, resulting in a safety.  After a late TMH touchdown brought the score to 23-0, Flamethrower seemingly ran out of gas.

        Mega Human quarterback Rob Meussner put up his best numbers of the season, going 8 for 11 passing (72 percent), and finished with four touchdown passes.  Meussner didn’t play on the team’s final possession.

        As impressive as the Mega Human offense was in this game, the defense shut out its opponent for the third time this season.  DE Mayer and Robbie Stotler combined for six sacks, and came with unrelenting pressure all game.

        Meussner and Brian Mayer both came up with big plays in pass coverage, stopping a Flamethrower offense that put up big numbers against the BTP Scuts last week.

        Now the Mega Humans must look towards the playoffs, where they will enter as a top seed.

        “We aren’t satisfied with going undefeated during the regular season,” Alex Whitney told reporters after the game.  “This is just one of our goals coming into the season.  Now we want to win the championship.”

        In order to win the championship, Mega Human must find a replacement for one of its key players, middle linebacker Shane Wate.  Wate, who injured his hand earlier in the season, underwent season-ending surgery on Thursday to repair a torn ligament in his hand.  Although the surgery was a success, Wate will be in a full arm cast for weeks.

        TMH’s all-purpose player Adam Garrison is expected to fill the void left by Wate in the defense.  So far this season, Garrison has played center, quarterback and linebacker, and is looking forward to his newest opportunity.

        “You cannot replace a Shane Wate.  But if one man could do it, it is Adam Garrison,” Adam Garrison said with supreme confidence.

        Team Mega Human’s first playoff game will be this Thursday, Nov. 6 at 3:30 p.m. on IMA field one.

 Game Ball: 

This week’s game ball goes to Rob Meussner, who capped off the regular season with his best game yet.  Apart from the four touchdown passes, he played great on the defensive end of the ball, even coming up with an interception.  On the season, Meussner finished 41 for 60 (68 percent) and has thrown 13 touchdown passes and zero interceptions.  Those are numbers Jake Locker dreams about at night.

Quote of the Game:

After a referee was asked how much time remained during the middle of the second half, he responded, “Too much.”

Injuries:

-Shane Wate, MLB:  As mentioned before, Wate’s season is finished with a torn ligament in his hand.

-Tony Blackburn, K:  He has been found, but at some point he contracted pneumonia.  Blackburn will visit a doctor, but is not expected to play this week.

That is all for now.

Tony Blackburn could avoid illnesses such as pneumonia if he wore a shirt more often.

        Sesinado’s Gent’s Cut dictated the tempo of the first half, driving the ball down the field twice but failing to score in the red zone.  TMH’s offense had only one possession in the half, but put the ball in the end zone to go up 6-0.

        In the second half the Mega Human offense started clicking, even running some trick plays for the first time this season.  Wide receiver Kyle Thomas took a pitch from quarterback Rob Meussner and threw it down field, finding a wide open Shane Wate for a 40 yard completion.

Meussner capped off the drive with a touchdown pass to Brian Mayer, making the score 13-0.  The QB finished 11 for 16 passing, (69 percent) with three touchdowns and has yet to throw an interception this season.

The Mega Human defense continued to cause problems for the opposition, and Brian Mayer made some spectacular plays in pass coverage.

TMH defensive ends Mike Mayer and Robbie Stotler turned in another great performance, never letting the Sesinado’s Gent’s Cut’s QB get comfortable in the pocket.

“We put pressure on their quarterback all day.  When we weren’t getting sacks, we were forcing him to rush his throws and he made some bad decisions,” Mike Mayer said after the game.

Next week the Mega Humans will face Flamethrower in the final game of the regular season.  Flamethrower’s record stands at 2-1 with their only loss coming from the BTP Scuts.  TMH must win this game to ensure an outright league title, or there potentially could be a three-way tie for first place.

Next week’s game will be played on Wednesday, Oct. 29 at 5:30 p.m. on IMA field three.

Game Ball: 

This week’s game ball goes to Brian Mayer who has played great at defensive back all season and hauling in a clutch TD pass this week.  His twin brother Mike also plays on the team.

Quote of the Game: 

“The ball looked like a slow, mortally wounded duck heading towards me,” Shane Wate describing Kyle Thomas’s pass in the second half.

Injuries: 

-Alex Whitney, WR: Left hamstring is still bothering him, but he expects to be back at 100 percent this week.

-Tony Blackburn, K:  Has gone missing.  If you have any information regarding his whereabouts, you are urged to call (509) 429-0666.

All for now, please check back next week.

TMH’s captain Adam Garrison excels not only on the field, but also in the classroom.

        After going up 6-0 on the BTP Scuts on the first drive of the game, the Mega Humans lost key player Shane Wate, who went out with a hand injury.  But versatile team captain Adam Garrison stepped in, making some big plays when his team needed him most.

        The Scuts made the game interesting, leading 13-12 at the half, after scoring two touchdowns and converting an extra point.

 The Mega Human offense struggled at times, with quarterback Rob Meussner finishing 6 for 13 (46 percent) passing with two touchdowns. The QB had trouble finding receivers, especially in the second half.

        But Meussner made plays when it counted, leading the Mega Humans down the field late in the second half.  After completing a 35 yard pass to Kirk Hilken, Muessner ran the ball in for the go ahead score, giving TMH a 18-13 advantage.

        “I saw a breakdown in the defense and I took advantage.  But the credit really goes to my offensive line.  Without them, I just have great hair,” Meussner said after the game. 

        The Scuts had a chance to take the lead, but Scut QB Jake Snoreski threw a pick, which was intercepted by Hilken.  Hilken took the pick to the house, and sealed the victory for the Mega Humans.

        “Kirk played great tonight,” fan favorite Adam Garrison told the media after the game.

        The Mega Humans now look to be in control of their own destiny in terms of a league championship, with two regular season games remaining before the playoffs.

        Next week TMH will face Sesinado’s Gent’s Cut on Wednesday, Oct. 22 at 5:30 p.m. on IMA field two.

Game Ball:

The game ball this week has to go out to Kirk Hilken, who not only made a key catch late in the game, but put the game out of reach with his now legendary “Pick-6”.

Quote of the Game:

“Hey Jake, stay on your feet, dumb ass.”  Shane Wate taunting Scut quarterback Jake Snoreski, after he fell down behind the line of scrimmage.

Injuries:

-Shane Wate, MLB:  Injured right hand, expects to play this week.

-Alex Whitney, CB:  Sore left hamstring, is questionable.

-Brian Mayer, CB:  Bloody nose, plugged it up with Kleenex, is expected to play next week.

-Tony Blackburn, K:  Agoraphobia, has been instructed to avoid marketplaces and open spaces in general, his status remains day to day.

All for now, please check back next week for an update.

        TMH quarterback Rob Meussner went 16 for 22 passing (72%), with four touchdown passes, picking apart the Shamgar defense.  But his passing percentage does not tell the whole story, as wide receiver Alex Whitney made three acrobatic catches, two of which resulted in touchdowns.

        Whitney also contributed to TMH’s stifling defense, which completely shut down Shamgar’s offense.  Whitney had two of the three interceptions by the Mega Humans, making it a tough day for Shamgar’s quarterback. 

        “We came to play today,” said Whitney after the game.  “There were a lot of questions about this team’s commitment coming in, and I think we silenced some critics today.”

        The critics may have been silenced this week, but next week’s game may prove to be a real test for TMH.  The Mega Humans will face BTP Scuts (1-0), who soundly defeated Dixon ThyHasus (0-1) 26-6.  That game will be played on Wednesday, Oct. 15 at 5:30 p.m. on IMA field one. 

Game Ball:

This week’s game ball goes to Whitney, who had a monster day on both sides of the ball.

Quote of the Game:

“We just need to air the ball out and someone needs to run under it.”  Team inspirational leader Adam Garrison offered this bit of sound advice to his teammates during the game

Injury Report:

Robbie Stotler, DE: Pulled right hamstring, is day to day but expects to play Wednesday.

Tony Blackburn, K:  Diagnosed with severe chronic spinal meningitis, expected to miss 1-2 weeks.

Links:  Here is the link to the full team schedule, off the official IMA website.

All for now, check back for an official team roster.